It’s All Kicking Off Now

Alright yeah, let’s be honest from the beginning…I am a lifelong hot blooded do or we all die Manchester United fan. My resumé reads: Bordering on apostolic believer of ‘Giggs has been tearing you apart since 1991.’ There. I have come clean. We will all survive this. Now. Let’s conscientiously move past that somewhat irrelevant fact and allow me, if you will, to steep your minds inside the meat of so many different Premier League matters.

The meats!

Whilst here, it’s imperative to note that I am present merely as a commenter. A scribe at the behest of the gods’ handcrafted sport of choice. I am a fan. Football has delivered unto me in such biblical proportions: a love, a companion, an unending source of generation-altering euphoria as well as debilitating sadness. My dreams nightly consist of David Platt’s era defining volley against Belgium, Edwin van der Sar’s penalty save of Nicolas Anelka and Gary Linekar casually becoming the slumlord of every single six yard box globally available. I am here just as an observer. The messenger (martyr?) up for any and all surefire bullets.

Before we properly begin, let’s also be honest about the fact that I am English. I may live in Brooklyn and sound like a polished version of a drunk Fargo extra inside of a Rawkus Records artist’s soul, but I salute and hail the lands of Princess Diana. Hence, passionate, and at times admittedly incomprehensible, diatribes are to duly follow over the next several months. {{read: I will be screaming contemptuously regarding Arsenal’s entire roster having the unequivocal inclination to be made of Play-Doh}}

Come on then!

Assuming you lot are still awake, let us all dive into a brief but surprisingly positive (and notably objective) 2017-2018 Premier League preview! *I envision some sort of Black Eyed Peas song to be playing right now with my name up in lights* #hollywood

Team to win it all: Manchester City. I am crying as I write this, but (Gabriel) Jesus, Mary and Joseph what a lineup. Forget the most expensively assembled back line in humankind history for one second; Kevin de Bruyne, Leroy Sané and one of the most dangerous and creative midfielders in the world, David Silva, should be too much for the masses. A fit Ilkay Gündoğan off the bench is a luxury any elite squad would dream of. And I apologize, but an in form and content Sergio Agüero is in the most simplest of terms a world beater. At his worst he is forty five times better than Daniel Sturridge. Sorry if you’re related to poor Daniel and reading this. The Premier League is an arduous voyage that requires supreme depth. Chelsea may have skirted by on Antonio Conte’s no-rotation policy, but that unambiguously is not viable on a long term scale (worth noting the mountainous levels of mediocrity last term as well). This team is primed; ready to pounce. City to pip Chelsea and United to the pot.

Team to watch for neutrals: Everton. No Ross Barkley? No Romelu Lukaku? Believe me when I tell you: no problem! The Toffees are not exactly shooting for a domestic treble here. The European places are the target. Additions of, to a lesser footballing extent, Wayne Rooney, and, to a much greater extent, Michael Keane will be crucial to the season long sturdiness this team has lacked for donkey’s years. Jordan Pickford in goal will steady the line. Idrissa Gueye in his peak prime years holding and combining in midfield with Kevin Mirallas and new boy Sandro bursting forward can definitively be a menace. Let’s not forget that Tom Davies is a bona fide star in the making. Forgive him his We’re Opening for The Strokes Meet Me At The Merch Stand haircut/overall demeanor and focus in on the fact that he’s newly 19 with legitimate first team football experience under his belt. Not to mention, Everton have done some proper good business this summer and still look to add Swansea’s Gylfi Sigurðsson (albeit at a cartoonishly monstrous price of £50m) as well as plan on relying on the services of a returning from injury Yannick Bolasie in the new year. This roster can be exciting and will be a side the top 4 will not relish facing, especially at Goodison Park.

Players to dominate:

Alexis Sánchez. He’s staying put for now so for as long as he’s in red for Arsenal, he is a world class talent who can single handedly change a game. His mind is presumably right and screwed on so I anticipate the usual from Alexi: toying with defences and scoring goals when he wants.

Gabriel Jesus. The rawest, most hungry prolific goal scorer the league has to offer. Plays with an enviable ease. Scores as if it’s the only natural ability he has. #yikes

Paul Pogba. No longer burdened with the highest price tag in football. No longer feeling his way through a Jose Mourinho regime change. The man is built for this! With the strength of a war ready tank and flawless technique on the ball, Pogba is prepared to be the player the world has been waiting to see. Newly purchased Nemanja Matic playing in front of the defensive line will allow Paul to be free to improvise and relentlessly attack. There have been glimpses, but we await the true and pure domination promised. I have said we have seen it in agonizing spurts, but now I am anticipating a season long demonstration to all those finding themselves in doubt.

Newest signing to shine the brightest: Álvaro Morata. It would be imbecilic to count Chelsea out. They are the champions. They have a starting XI a video game would carefully construct. And now they subtract the negativity assigned to soon-to-be departing (Milan? Atleti?) Diego Costa replacing it with a chip-on-his-shoulder Morata. With the World Cup fast approaching and Spain registering anyone with a vapory breath to audition for its starting striker role, Álvaro will be chomping to emphatically make his mark in West London. He can surely finish (ask fans of giants Juventus and Real Madrid) and has the experience and guile to outsmart the more physical Premiership defenders. This is assuredly not to say other players will not perform (he is up against the likes of Lukaku and Alexandre Lacazette as new-to-their-current-team high profile attackers), but Morata strikes me as being the pitiless cherry on top bludgeon for Chelsea’s disciplined charges.

Team with the kit we won’t get sick of: Southampton away. A distant relative of aquamarine on a stoic slate of black. It’s tantamount to dining inside of an Algarvian grotto, if said sumptuous utopia was sponsored by Virgin Media. With stripes! A special holler if ya hear me to Liverpool’s classy home strip. A gorgeous ensemble that would have taken the cake had I not had a burgeoning desire to reminisce about Portuguese lounging.

There you have it, my lovelies. It has all kicked off now. Enjoy the season! You’ll be hearing from me.

Get in, you beauty!


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